I am happy, but…

It seems to hit me out of the blue.  Everything will be going fine, and then it happens, and hits in waves.  Tonight my husband was talking to his brother, who shared that he and his wife are expecting their second child.   I am happy for them.  Really…

There is just this pain that comes every time I hear of a pregnancy.  This ache that tugs at my heart-strings.  After this long I thought it would be easier.

When I got pregnant with my son, it was unexpected.  I was on the pill… I called myself super-fertile woman.  Getting pregnant the second time was a little harder, but I had been on the birth control injection so it was supposed to take longer.  That was then.

Now, it has been 5 years since we started trying again.  No pregnancy.  And now we are “older parents” and our kids are 15 and 12.  Do we want to go to extra measures, especially with all we are going through with our daughter.  So we decided if it happens it happens.  I guess…

The truth is that he doesn’t really want any more kids, and I desperately want to have his child.  But I can see his point, I can see the draw of being child free in 6 years.  I get it.  And I logically agree.

But my heart doesn’t, it aches.   Tonight more than ever.  So when I get the news, I am happy.  But…


About mcwhclan

Mom of two, student, wife, daughter... where does one keep all these hats?
This entry was posted in autobiographical, the hard stuff and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I am happy, but…

  1. Nancy E says:

    Sending a virtual hug…

  2. Jenn says:

    I didn’t know you and Ian were trying… I’m very sorry that you haven’t gotten pregnant again. I would love to tell you that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t really believe it and I don’t think you really want platitudes anyway.

    Not that long ago, a well-meaning person asked me why Alves & I weren’t “over” the loss of Inga, because we continue to raise a glass on May 24th every year and remember his mom. I don’t think that you should ever be “over” someone you loved that much, and I hope that when I die, my children never strive to be “over” me. I was only 12 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby, and I will never be “over” that either, and I don’t understand people who do think this is something you should forget about. There is healing in honouring the memory of someone who mattered to you.

    I will say that I hope whatever happens, you find peace in your heart Erin.

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