In December and January I felt good. I felt strong, like I could handle anything that came my way. It is funny how quickly things can change. I wrote about beauty, and the things that I liked about myself. It felt good, to be self-assured and confident.
I find myself at the other end of the spectrum this month. I am over tired, overweight, and over my brief spell of confidence. I am not sure what triggered this in my life, I have a few sneaking suspicions, but nothing I can point to and say “yes, that is what did it”.
- Lack of sunlight. Could seasonal affective disorder be triggering this winters session of the blahs? Possibly. January was long and cold and we have had a couple of good snow storms. Spring seems like a really long way off right now.
- Inactivity? Another good candidate. I have gained back all the weight that I lost last winter, and have had a really hard time motivating myself to get back into the routine of exercising and eating well. Last year I had Hawaii to look forward to, and it made me push myself to work hard. Picking up drive through at lunch is way too easy for me.
- The Ex? Another good possibility. I saw my son’s father for the first time in 13 and half years at the end of January, and it pretty much coincided with my stinky mood. Not because of him, but more because it brought to the surface a lot of feelings that I thought I had dealt with, and was over, only to find out, that they are all still there. It brings back a lot of the poor choices I made when I was younger, and a lot of the insecurities that I had as a 21-year-old.
Really, I can’t blame any of these singular things. I think it is all of them together. There is no holiday or break to look forward to, I feel fat and gross, other people are in bad moods around me… it all has just piled up. To this point where I sometimes don’t know how to cope with the next work email or phone call. In situations where a month ago I would have just formulated a plan and dealt with things, I now tense up and want to bury my head in the sand. It is a struggle to not just avoid. But that was old me. That is how 21-year-old me dealt with things. 35-year-old me needs to be a leader and a problem solver. Finding it in me to do that is tough.
In saying all that though, a friend of mine had this as her Facebook status this morning: “Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.” A good reminder.