I spent this past weekend with my mom. We went down to the states together to do some shopping and celebrate my birthday. We had a great time. But I did a lot of thinking while driving, and trying on clothes… and came to realize a few things:
- I don’t miss my kids when I am away from them. I think that might qualify me for the bad mom of the year award (or maybe solidify my win). I think of them, and see things that I know I will have to tell them about when I get home, but I wouldn’t say that I ache for them, or feel the need to see them. I would worry more about this if I didn’t miss them when they went away. I maintain that it is much worse to be left behind, than to be the one doing the leaving. I missed my son more than I thought I would this summer when he was gone for three weeks.
- I missed my husband more than my children. I realized how much I depend on him for support. He is the one I share all my frustrations with at the end of the day, the one who cheers me up and makes me laugh. We like doing the same things and it is easy to be with him. Effortless. Him, I missed.
- It is hard to be a daughter again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents. I love spending time with them. But it is very difficult to go from being the parent, and making the decisions, back to following someone else’s lead. It takes work.
So to recap: bad mother, bad daughter, and needy wife.
How did this happen? This is NOT the woman who I wanted to grow up to be. I was going to be strong and independent. I was going to be an amazing mother. Now I find myself depending on a man and enjoying when I am away from my kids! What is going on? And don’t think that it hasn’t been pointed out to me!
But I know inside, that I am a good mother. I am there when I my kids need me, and as they get older that is less and less. Which is as it should be. I am not their best friend, I set limits, help heal their wounds and try to help them become the best them they can be. I will make mistakes. There will be times that I don’t miss them. And for Pete’s sake, I was only gone 4 days…
I am a good daughter. I listen when I need to and I am trying to learn to set boundaries (hard hard hard!!!). I try to understand and be empathetic, I try to keep up with traditions, and I try to balance.
I am an amazing wife. I have no doubts about that. I have a fantastic husband who, even though drives me crazy sometimes, is my best friend, and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is just to be with him. I am truly blessed to have found him.
So in all these things I thought about this weekend, and in the past little while, I am still struggling with the same thing. Why are there so many incongruences between wife, mother and daughter, and where do I fit in? How do you make it work? When one role crosses over into the next, and the result is a hard choice, which one do you sacrifice? How do you decide?