This week has been ridiculously busy, with the boy breaking his arm, and counselling and doctors appointments for the girl, and craziness at work! My mind has been going a hundred miles an hour, in multiple directions. Trying to keep me organized and making sure that I don’t drop any of the balls I have up in the air.
Then this morning I came across a tweet that stopped me in my tracks. Today is pregnancy and infancy loss remembrance day. I froze. And I thought of her. And I keep thinking of her.
It has been a long time since she passed through my life, and she occupies less and less of my everyday thoughts. But every now and again, like the sudden onset of silence in a game of musical chairs, I stop, freeze and then have to think about my next move. I always have this fear that it is going to be a paralyzing sense of sadness that I will be stuck in for a few days. That seems to happen less and less the more time goes by. Sometimes I struck by how much I learned from her, and the gift that she was to my life. Sometimes I imagine what she would look like now, if there had been no anencephaly. What our lives would be like with a kindergartener in our house. What changes it would have meant for all of us. What kind of people would we have become. I am imagine her 20 years from now, and what kind of adult she would have been.
And like many mothers, I imagine these things alone, silently. I don’t share them, they are mine. They are what I have to hold onto from her.
So on this day, I think of my Teagan. I think of what should have been, and dream of her. I think of the others who have gone and are going through the same thing. I hope that they know they are not alone, and that the pain gets better. I hope they know that their child mattered.