Freeze.

This week has been ridiculously busy, with the boy breaking his arm, and counselling and doctors appointments for the girl, and craziness at work!  My mind has been going a hundred miles an hour, in multiple directions.  Trying to keep me organized and making sure that I don’t drop any of the balls I have up in the air.

Then this morning I came across a tweet that stopped me in my tracks.  Today is pregnancy and infancy loss remembrance day.  I froze.  And I thought of her.  And I keep thinking of her.

It has been a long time since she passed through my life, and she occupies less and less of my everyday thoughts.  But every now and again, like the sudden onset of silence in a game of musical chairs, I stop, freeze and then have to think about my next move.  I always have this fear that it is going to be a paralyzing sense of sadness that I will be stuck in for a few days.  That seems to happen less and less the more time goes by.  Sometimes I struck by how much I learned from her, and the gift that she was to my life.  Sometimes I imagine what she would look like now, if there had been no anencephaly.  What our lives would be like with a kindergartener in our house.  What changes it would have meant for all of us.  What kind of people would we have become.   I am imagine her 20 years from now, and what kind of adult she would have been. 

And like many mothers, I imagine these things alone, silently.  I don’t share them, they are mine.  They are what I have to hold onto from her.  

So on this day, I think of my Teagan.  I think of what should have been, and dream of her.  I think of the others who have gone and are going through the same thing.  I hope that they know they are not alone, and that the pain gets better.  I hope they know that their child mattered.

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About mcwhclan

Mom of two, student, wife, daughter... where does one keep all these hats?
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