I have spoken before about my guilt around the fact that sometimes I don’t like my kids. But I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. I am as shocked as the next person!
On Wednesday I dragged my daughter along while we picked up last-minute things for my son to head off on his cross Canada adventure with his Grandparents. After we had gone out for supper with my parents, I told her that we would not be shopping for her that day, that she could wait to spend her money. She actually through a temper tantrum, asking me “why on earth did you even bring me then What’s the point!” She refused to be within 12 feet of me for the rest of the evening, and has barely spoken to me since. What she didn’t see was the enjoyment in spending time with her brother before he left for a month, or that going out for supper with family is a treat. We are worth spending time with sometimes.
Logically I know it was the ODD speaking, and compounding that was the fact that she started new meds that day. But it is hard to see past the behaviour. It is hard to give more when you get nothing in return. I often wonder if she just doesn’t know how to show affection, if this is part of her diagnosis… The lack of empathy and remorse is trying. I wonder if she ever feels bad for taking my things, or saying hurtful things? Or is it my fault for letting them get to me? I worry that at 16 it is too late to repair our relationship, or to teach her the skills that she needs.
I am not the mom I wanted to be. I want to be the one whose children feel that they are loved unconditionally. I wanted to be the mom who taught my children to be independent, strong and proud. I wanted my children to confident and secure. In turn, I also want to be love unconditionally. As she gets older it is harder and harder to excuse her behaviour. It is getting personal. Unlike my husband who gets angry, I just get hurt. She doesn’t attempt to repair the damage done, and how long do you go on allowing someone to hurt you?