Why it hurts

In the last couple of months, my husband and I made the hard decision to not have any more children.  I know that this is right choice, but it still hurts.

At first I thought it was the finality of it.  Having to make that decision that you can’t go back on.  I thought that maybe it was because I wanted another child in our family, I wanted that extra person to complete our home.  But the reality is, the biggest loss for me is not going through a pregnancy, a delivery, and infancy with my husband.  We pretty much have done everything else together, my son being as young as he was when we met.  But I regret not experiencing that with my husband.

Ideally I would like to go back in time, and have our children together.  I don’t even want to switch the kids in any fashion! I love them they way they are!  I just wish we could have been a family then, to be together for diapers and midnight feedings.  To have someone else’s hands on my pregnant belly, to share the love and joy of holding your newborn with the other parent.  Both of us missed out on those experiences.  I envy “normal” couples having that.

That all being said, I am at peace with this choice.  It doesn’t sting like it did for the first few weeks.  But I do wonder how long that ache will last when I hear of another pregnancy, or the fear that strikes me when I think I may have to go to a baby shower.   Wondering if I would be strong enough to not be sad while there.  It is a bittersweet decision.  I look forward to the opportunity to travel and do things as a couple as my children get older, finally having an adult life, really for the first time in my life.  But I think there might always be that regret, that longing, and that dull ache.

They balance, and I know that it will be okay.

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About mcwhclan

Mom of two, student, wife, daughter... where does one keep all these hats?
This entry was posted in autobiographical, the hard stuff and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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