Question number two reads “which is worse, failing or never trying?”
I know what the “right” answer is, I know that it is important to try, and all that… but I am going to go against the grain. I think failing is definitely worse.
Failure is the albatross around my neck. It is the negative little word at the back of my head that whispers to me when it is dark. I know failure. I have lived failure. My first year of university I flunked out of engineering. My doing entirely, I know that. And I don’t regret that year… most of the time. I got pregnant at 20 with a guy who had a girlfriend. I was the other woman, not something that I am proud of, but it happened. I have the most wonderful son in the world from that relationship though, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I have accepted my mistakes, learned from them, and even been glad that they have happened, eventually…
But I have that evil little voice that lurks waiting for me, waiting until the dark comes before it taunts me … “failure, Failure, FAILURE!!” It echos in my head each time I make a mistake, each time I have a set back, each time we hit a speed bump. The worst, is when it gets personal. It involves my kids. “You’re failing them too you know, this is all your fault. If you could have been a better parent, more patient… this never would have happened.” It drags in my marriage, my job, anything it can get its claws into.
And then, in the darkest of hours it whispers “that’s why you lost your daughter, you’d fail her too.”
So the idea of failing scares me. Terrifies me. Keeps me up in the night. I would rather not try, even though most times I do.