One of the biggest challenges I have faced since becoming a parent is not dealing with any behaviour challenges or toilet training, but rather it is finding a balance between all the roles that I fill. A mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, and yet still remaining an individual. It is hard, and is my biggest source of stress.
Each role is important to me, and I am often amazed at how many times they are in conflict with one another. I often am forced to choose between what my mother wants from her daughter, what my children need from their mother, and what my husband needs from his wife. Sometimes things go smoothly and I am able set boundaries where I need to, compromise and make everyone happy.
But there are times when it does not go as smoothly. There are times with what is best for me and what is best for others do not line up the way I want them to. Sometimes I have to make the hard choices. Sometimes I have to decide who I am going to disappoint and at what cost.
Sometimes in doing what is right for my kids, I may hurt other people’s feelings by telling them that they are being hurtful not helpful. Sometimes in doing what is right for my husband, I mus make a choice between old and new traditions. Sometimes by being a good daughter, I frustrate and confound the other people in my life.
The really hard part though, is following through on what is right for me. Where I would stand-up and defend my children, my husband, or my mother, I will often back down in defending myself. I will just swallow the hurt feelings, and just move on. I will try to find another way. And in some cases, this is what needs to be done. What I have trouble with is finding that fine line between getting enough for me, and getting what I deserve, and still striving for that balance in roles. What happens when what I want or need doesn’t line up with my role as mother, wife, or daughter?
Which boils down to the issue that I have been struggling with. Where do I start and end, and where do these roles begin? Notice, I am not even throwing work or friendship into this equation… that just complicates things even more! So much of how I define who I am is dependent on these roles. I don’t know if I am comfortable with that. I sometimes feel like I am lost. Not in the “I don’t know where my life is going” lost, but more the who am I, and how do other’s define me kind of lost. For example; I am the boy’s mother, or someone’s wife etc… But not just me.
“ your “youness” — are what make you stunningly beautiful. And furthermore, since you are so stunningly beautiful, all those flaws that you think you have? They’re a myth. There are no flaws. They are simply characteristics that make up parts of your beautiful whole.”
It is true. I can list the things that I love about my husband, his “you-ness”. I know exactly what they are. But I have lost mine. I don’t know what those things are about me anymore. I have forgotten what makes me special. So that is my goal for the next month. Rediscover my me-ness. Who I am.